Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
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