At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
