I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
