I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
