I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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