ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
