"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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