Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
