Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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