he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
