I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
