How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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