If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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