Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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