Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
My balls are so social today.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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