Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
