Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
