My underwear smells like fireworks.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
