I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
not ubering you a puppy
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
