Pants 0. Shit 1.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
