I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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