There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
