well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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