it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
