I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize