Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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