Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
