she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
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