You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
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