Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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