i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
