Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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