That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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