how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
