Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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