I love black thongs
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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