The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
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