I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
