I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Couch. On fire.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
