I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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