So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
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Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
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Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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