he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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