I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
