Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
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I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
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that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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