This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
What a dumb baby whore.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize
