I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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