This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
