Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Randomize
