If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
where does the pee come out of this thing
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
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All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
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This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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