Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
