All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
