you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
