I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
