Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
