Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
