We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
