Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
