You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
